read me and be set free...

07:47 am - frustrations abound...

it never fucking ends.  ever.  i spent all of yesterday worrying about my aforementioned coworker.  i was supposed to pick her up at her ex's house after work yesterday, but she didnt come out, so i left.  i tried to get ahold of her all day.  finally, around 3 i did.  apparently, he hid her phone.  she needed a ride to work last night, so i said i would.  i show up and shes not there.  so i call and she said to meet her at work at 10:30, where she would tell me everything.  so i get there and she walks out of the store, cause apparently she wasnt on schedule last night.  so she has me take her back over to his house and wants me to pick her up in the morning.  and through all this, all she told me was 'its exactly like he wanted.'  well, i sent her a text message later in the night and the plan changed again, she would be at her house this morning and she wanted me to come over.  so i go over and guess what.  SHES NOT FUCKING THERE!!!  i called and her phone was off.  what the fuck?  im getting pissed here...

07:42 am - what's the fucking deal...

i am so fucking frustrated right now that words cannot fully express what i feel.  alright, so theres this girl with whom i work.  she has an ex who is, by reputation, psychotic (her words).  they broke up in april, i believe.  everything ive heard about this guy suggests that hes a real prick, with no redeeming qualities (im sure he has some, but i have yet to see any).  the reason behind their breakup (one of many, but i think this was the last straw) was that he tried to smother her with a pillow.  now, over the past few months, shes become a pretty good friend of mine.  you could say shes my only friend, seeing as how i dont hang out with any other people.  if i am anything, i am fiercely loyal.  i would be willing to die for any of my friends or family, so naturally, im concerned for her.  so last weekend, she talked to him for the first time since they broke up.  they spent the whole weekend together.  then one day this week, i took her home from work and we were hanging out a little, i go to get cigarettes and come back and hes there.  so she blew me off to be with him.  then came thursday.  we both worked that night.  she was late.  his fault.  we were talking the next morning.  she was talking about killing herself because of him.  all she wanted to do was sleep, so i left really early that morning.  i didnt work friday, but she did, or didnt rather.  he talked her into calling off.  so saturday midday comes.  i get a text message, "please come get me."  a lot of times he wont take her home.  my phone didnt beep for that one, i dont think i had a signal.  then 20 minutes later i get another and all it said was "thats."  so i called and she said not to worry about it.  then a few hours later, i get another text, "please call and see if i work tonight."  so i do, and she was scheduled, so i called her back and told her.  so i go to work, and shes not there.  she had been there earlier and said she was sick, and the manager let her leave.  so shes called off 2 nights in a row, which makes 3 calloffs this week, so she could be with her ex, who tried to kill her at one point.  i just dont get it.  when they were together, all he wanted was her to be subservient.  she wasnt allowed to work.  she was cut off from her family and friends.  her sisters told her that they wouldnt have anything to do with her if she got back with him.  and from the looks of things, she may be out of a job soon, or at least a schedule cut, they did just get a new cashier.  she is very close to being back in the same situation as before, and i dont think theres anything that anyone can say to change it.  and that fucking sucks.

other notable events since last i posted:  36 hours without sleep, which was preceeded by a meer 2 hours sleep and an additional 24 hours of nonsleep, all of which included working 2 shifts at my very strenuous cashier position at meijer.  jesus christ thats terrible.  note to self:  GET A BETTER JOB.  anyway, after that 2 and a half days without sleep, i crashed pretty hard.  i hit the mattress and passed the fuck out and i didnt even move until 18 hours later.  yea, i wish i handled stress differently.

09:06 am - they say that people can change. we all blindly follow this sordid dillusion.

last night really fucking sucked.  seriously sucked, this isnt just petty bitching.  ive been seriously pissed off since last night around 9:40.  and you know me, i dont get pissed that easily.  if you want to know why, ask me, cause its not getting posted.

04:26 pm

i stole this from stacia.

12:47 pm - blah

well, dad did indeed have a stroke.  the mri showed no brain damage, so thats good.  he was released yesterday.  when he was in the hospital for his amputation a few years back, they found what they called a brouhy (probably mispelled), which is basically just a crease in his corrotid artery.  well, apparently that one is completely blocked off now, and because that leads to his brain, its inoperable (because if they were to unblock it, all the plaque would go through his brain, undoubtedly giving him another, much more severe stroke).  but his other corrotid is fine, so hes still got blood going to his brain.  i guess his kidneys arent doing so great, so they may need to do dialisis at some point, or maybe even a transplant, but its too early to say on that.  all in all, hes doing ok.  he seems pretty optimistic, which is good.  your state of mind plays a lot bigger part of recovery than you would think.  i think that recovery is directly linked to a person's state of mind, but thats just me.  so thats that.

12:44 am - Forsaken, depraved and wrought with fear; The last thing I remember now; Who brought me here

today's been a rather long day.  yesterday, i had orientation at purdue.  that went alright.  i have my schedule and everything, although i need to tweek it a bit.  i have classes when i need to be asleep, but i should be able to fix it.  that lasted pretty much all day, and considering i went there pretty much straight from work, i was rather tired by the end of the day, so i called off last night.  oh well, they didnt want to pay me overtime anyway.  so i slept most of last night.  i woke up about 6:30.  around 10, i left for wabash.  i had to wake kent up so we could finish moving dad.  that took a little time.  we finally got most of it moved, then it was off to fort wayne (1:15pm).  dad was checked in a parkview tuesday because of his possible stroke.  so i visited him for a few hours.  the trip between wabash and fort wayne was a task in itself.  as i was leaving wabash, there were some very dark, ominous-looking clouds to the north.  i later saw that storm on the radar and it was fucking HUGE.  anyway, i got about halfway to huntington and it was fucking pouring.  it was raining so hard that i had my windshield wipers as fast as they go and i still could hardly see.  id say i went about 40 mph most of the way there.  once i got past huntington, i saw a few patches of light in the sky.  then the hail started.  that lasted about 20 miles.  i finally got through the storm to see dad at the hospital.  i had a nice little talk with him.  as of 4:45, when i left parkview, they still didnt have a definitive answer on whether or not he had a stroke.  the specialist he saw monday said he did, but the neurologist that was there while i was still there, who did some motion and sensation tests, said his responses suggest he may not have had a stroke.  they did an MRI after i left, the results of which will be available tomorrow.  that should tell a lot more.  so after i left parkview, i started back for wabash and you'll never guess what i got to drive through again.  yea...  before i left wabash, i had told kent to have the rest of the shit ready to go, and when i got back, the house looked just as it did before i left.  no real shock, i guess.  so we loaded up the rest of the shit and i left.  i was after 8 at this point.  i got back here a little after 9.  i spent $35.09 on gas today.  fucking rediculous...

going along with the theme for my drive today, i had a dream a couple days back.  maybe you can share your insight about what this may mean, or how im completely insane because of this.  i drove out to this old, run-down shack in the middle of a huge cornfield.  it must have been autumn, because all the stalks were bent over, like theyd been harvested already.  the field was seemingly endless.  the sky was filled with dark clouds.  it wasnt raining or anything of the sort, but the sky looked foreboding.  back in high school, i thought about some weird shit (as if i dont now), and one thing i was intensely curious about was what its like to be in a coma.  this bleak image of a shack in an endless field is exactly what how i envisioned a coma dream, and, in fact, this field has appeared many times in other dreams of mine.  now, back to this dream.  i couldnt tell you why, but i had an intense feeling of trepidation.  i got out of the truck i was driving, which, by the way, is the truck that dad borrowed so he could move, and walked to the shack.  i was there to pick someone up, although i dont remember whom.  i knocked and no one answered.  then without warning, a tornado came down from the sky about a hundred yards away.  then another.  in all, there were 5 huge tornadoes.  i ran back to my car (at this point, the truck became my neon) and drove like a bat out of hell (if i can use that cliché).  i drove a long way, but despite the distance, the shack and the tornadoes were right behind me.  eventually, one of the tornadoes lifted my car off the ground.  at this point, i left my body and floated away, and as i left, i watched as the the shack was ripped apart.  then i woke up.

so theres the dream.  fucked up, eh?  i have no idea what it could mean, or why the field is a recurring theme in my  dreams.  any insights?  comments?  do you want to tell me im insane?  COMMENT!!

08:02 am - fuck....

well, the last few days have been interesting to say the least.  after getting off work tuesday morning, i got to take a calculus test online for purdue.  that was fun, and easy.  you needed 13 out of 21 to pass.  i got 16 on my first try.  i couldve done it 2 more times to get a better score, but i had shit to do, so i didnt.  but 16 should be good enough to get me into a higher calc class, i think.  so after that, i went to wabash to help dad move.  we got a lot of shit moved, but theres still a ways to go.  i stayed there tuesday night and helped a little more wednesday morning.  i had a good time talking with dad.  now that we're on the subject, i worry about him.  apparently, on monday he had a mild stroke, or at least hes convinced thats what happened, and judging from the symptoms, hes probably right.  he was at lunch and started eating and noticed that his tongue was numb.  by the end of the day, his whole right side was numb.  i havent spoken with him today, but as of yesterday he was still numb.  i guess one of his co-workers commented to him that his speech was a little slurred.  hes got another doctor's appointment monday, i believe.  he might have to have surgery again.  my great-grandpa hitchcock (grandma shearer's dad) died of a stroke many years back.  so ive been understandably freaked out since i found out (which was the day after the fact.  why no one told me monday, ill never know.  i take that back, i was probably asleep.  fucking meijer...).  i still dont quite have my head wrapped around that.  its starting to sink in, but as it does, bad thoughts come, and i dont want to think about that EVER.  i seriously about cried on my way back here yesterday afternoon, and i NEVER cry.  i was talking to sabrina about it at work, and i could feel it coming, so i changed the subject.  life is a dirty bitch, and its bitchery is matched only by its lack of fairness.  thats the only certainty ive come across in my 23 years.  im sure dad has some much better thoughts on life, but he is a far better man than i.  i just dont understand how God could let this happen to him.  damnit, i hate thinking about such things, so ill cut this short.  if you believe in God or Allah, then pray for him.  if you dont then, i dont know, send good thoughts his way or something.  it all works about the same.  just keep him in your thoughts and prayers.

Current Mood: distressed

10:00 am - change is inevitable

what youre probably noticing right about now, if youre paying attention, is that this entry and the last entry were written minutes apart, unless, of course, this one takes a long time to write, then maybe you wont.  i dont know why that matters, i just felt like fucking with you for whatever reason.  the topic of this is fairly consistent with that of the last, but i didnt feel like editing the last post again (edit #6, fucking burnout omissions and grammar errors).  after all, i cant not, leave no mis-wordings in or grammer errors, nor comma, splices, also i cant do run ons, or misspelings (damn you miss troop.  jk, shes alright).  however, i can choose to capitalise nothing and write posts for thee, wherein i use the proper queen's english.  if you cant tell, im in a weird mood (not quite as weird as the mood icon makes it seem, but weird nonetheless).  work was different last night.  rita wasnt there (danke Gott).  it was sabrina, dan, and myself.  i talked my ass off.  i usually talk to sabrina when shes there, but she usually does most of the talking.  but anyway, i need to keep doing that.  seriously, ive been there 4 months and i dont hardly talk to anyone, and ive been there longer than a lot of them (definitely not most though).  also, i hung out with sabrina after work (another first).  thats probably the biggest contributor to my mood.  i definitely need to keep in touch with her over the years.

a vision of a better me.
i came to a startling realisation the other day.  who i am now is nobody's fault but my own.  i have allowed myself to become a very reclusive burnout.  previously i blamed society, my parents divorce, my situation, or whatever, but regardless, its MY fault.  within every person is the power to completely change himself.  on some level, ive always believed this, but not until i read the gospel thomas did i find words for this belief.  more than that, i am the ONLY one who can initiate this change.  there are several problems i see in myself.  first, of course, is i dont talk to people, so im gonna start talking all the time.  people will be telling me to shut up, and not out of a highly overdeveloped sense of sarcasm.  second, i HAVE to quit smoking.  ive been smoking for 4 and a half years now.  i dont even like tobacco, but i cant seem to quit.  anyway, that has to happen.  third, i have to take better care of myself.  i want to live forever, and if i keep up like this, im going to fall far short of that goal.  and finally, i am a fucking burnout, and that needs to change.  the past 4 years have been great and all, but i think its about time for the pot to go.  so by the end of the summer, i wont be a pothead.  woohoo... (a sarcastic woohoo, if you cant tell)

so i have my mission before me.  i think this is the reason fate brought me back to lafayette.  that and the purdue thing, but ive already elaborated on that.  this is gonna be hard as hell, especially at first, but with all that done, i think i will be a happier, more adjusted person.

Current Mood: weird

09:47 am - your mission, should you choose to accept it...

good morrow friends.  so ive had this thing for a few months now and i still only have a few friends, and i have a mission for you all.  have your friends add me, if i know them, or they know me, or even if they dont thats cool too, but especially if we know each other.  also, if you know someone who's really into physics (i want input on my physics thoughts).  im really bad at keeping in touch with people, as you probably already know, and id like to change that (this being the easiest way to accomplish that goal).  so there it is.

heres a poll (as if its gonna help me make a decision):  what would you say is the biggest acceptable age gap between you and someone youre dating?

07:56 am - meaning of life part 4

its been a long time since i wrote on this subject, so i think its about time i update on my theory.

as you can probably imagine, my theory of everything has taken on a new form than it had when i wrote part 3.  the basics are all the same (11 dimensions, attractive and repulsive forces), however, my view of the organisation of energy is different.  previously, i said that there are 10 levels of organisation when there are really 11.  i was on the right track, but i overlooked the most blatantly obvious manifestation.  youll never guess what made me think of it.

the levels of organisation as i see them:
1.  singularis-a string mesh in 11 dimensions.  information exchanged through the string force (1 pole)         1 dimension

2.  binaris-strings folded over themselves into loops (p-branes).  driven by the string force, strings break into specific lengths and the smallest segments (1,2,3) loop back on themselves becoming p-branes                       2 dimensions

3.  quantum-this level forms quarks.  p-branes of lengths 1 and 2, for regular matter, have a positive charge.  3 has a negative charge.  for antimatter, the charges are switched.  however, lengths 1 and 2 do not have a complete charge, like 3 does.  these lower order p-branes have 2 possible connections: either connect with another p-brane of opposite charge on its own plane, thereby annihilating the 2, or connect with a p-brane on a separate plane, which tricks the positive p-brane into thinking its drawing near a negative charge.  if the second option is the case, these 2 p-branes form a quark.  this process is driven by the magnetic force (2 poles,+/-)                3 dimensions

4.  barion-this level forms barions and "mesons."  barions are sub-nuclear particles.  in each 3 dimensional space, there are only 2 flavors of quark: up and down.  all other flavors (charm, strange, top, bottom) are quarks that share either 1 or 2 dimensions with our 3.  antiquarks are formed from 2 opposite p-branes.  for example up vs. anti-up:  up-> +2 and +1;  anti-up-> -2 and -1.  the color force dominates this level (3 poles, r/g/b).  like charges repel.  dissimilar charges attract.  3 quarks (1 red, 1 green, 1 blue) combine to form a barion.  a quark's charge comes from its orientation in the 3 dimensional space.  the common dimension of the 2 p-branes gives it the charge.  if its on x, then its red; y-green; z-blue.  "mesons" (in quotes because they dont really exist) are the result of red and anti-red combining.  there is no anti-red.  mesons are in fact barions that are out of phase with our 3 dimensions.  only 1 of their 3 dimensions match with those of our realm.  because the 3rd quark in this structure is perpendicular to our 3 dimensions, we cant see it.  it is only connected to our realm through the 2 quarks that we see as a meson.  anti-red is really a blue or green in a different set of 3 dimensions.  because it is perpendicular to our realm it mocks an opposite charge (just like in the formation of quarks with 2 p-branes of the SAME charge combining).  barions have  whole magnetic charges (1,0,-1).  they also exist in 4 dimensions.  we see this dimension as time.

5.  nuclear-atomic nuclei form here.  this formation is driven by the strong force.  the strong force is a 5 poled force.  it is weaker than all the force mentioned above.  with each new force, there are additional charges, which increases the potential size of the particles on that level.  in this case, since there are 4 particles pulling on another particle for every 1 pushing it away, more than 5 barions can collect.  however, since the barions are always on the move within the nucleus, inevitably (moreso with larger nuclei) a common charge will collect in a spot and the repulsive force is greater than the attractive force.  physicists today call that the weak force.  anyway, when this happens, particles are ejected from the nucleus.  that is radioactive decay.  atomic nuclei exist in 5 dimensions.

6.  macroscopic-large collections of matter form here.  once nuclei form, each nucleus has a specific gravitational charge.  gravity is an 8-poled force.  the additional 3 charges increase the potential size of an object by a lot.  in terms of mass, the potential difference is from the largest stable nuclear mass to the mass of a supermassive black hole.  before all this collection occurs, there are nuclei and free p-branes.  these free p-branes are electrons and positrons, which are dominated by the magnetic force.  the nuclei have quantised charges, which will attract enough free electrons to balance the charge.  magnetism is much stronger than gravity.  matter collection, in its beginning, has nothing to do with gravity.  magnetism draws atoms together.  once a critical mass is reached, gravity starts to take over and eventually, large systems emerge.  these large objects exist in 6 dimensions and every object that has a gravitational charge exists in those dimensions.

7.  life-all life exists here.  the life force has 13 poles.  life is dependent upon the macroscopic.  while life is important, it is only the beginning.  it is built of specific combinations of atoms (DNA, cellular material, etc).  every cell has a specific life charge.  there is always movement of cells, but, since the forces mentioned above are so much stronger than life, cells cant go through one another and are pretty much bound to their position.  when a common charge collects, that particular cell dies.  life exists in 7 dimensions.

8.  conscious-this is the new level.  one day i was curious about scientology, so i looked it up, and it said something about this, and it made sense (incidentally, scientology's explanation of existence is VERY similar to mine, although i came up with this long before i knew anything about scientology).  i call the force at this level the spiritual force.  it has 21 poles.  all living things have a spirit, which is the "particle" of this level.  this spirit manifests itself differently in different species, but it is the same type of force and each spirit is of the same importance.  the spirit is your true self.  it has nothing to do with the body, it only inhabits the body until it dies, then it finds another.  since the life force is stronger than the spiritual, the needs of the body often come before the needs of the spirit.  knowing the difference between the 2 will lead you to finding your true self.  this journey toward self-awareness does have an end, but it takes much longer than one lifetime to reach it.  the spirit resides in 8 dimensions.

9. societal-this level encompasses every abstract idea that we create, not just society (i labeled it that because society is the most prevolent example of the level).  the societal force has 34 poles.  it exists in 9 dimensions.  societies are made up of multiple spirits that freely associate.  common knowledge, archetypes, culture, and everything of that nature exists here.

10.  god-earthly gods are at this level.  the god force has 55 poles.  like every other particle on every other level, gods have a lifespan.  when people stop believing, they die.  or more accurately, people stop believing because the god dies.  the gods exist in 10 dimensions.  while these gods do have an impact on the lower levels, their impact is minimal.  the spiritual force is stronger than the god force, so when you pray for something and you dont get it, its because some spirit, or society, didnt allow you to get it.  the gods' forms change with culture.  in the beginning there was one religion, but as people moved away from each other, their cultures became different and their religion changed with it.  eventually, the true religion became a myriad of different religions.  today, the dominant form on this level is economy.  it has always been around, but since the 1600's, it has been elevated to god status.  this is the biggest impediment to our species' success.

11.  the universe/Almighty-when we think of God, this is what we think about.  this force, which i call the Almighty force, technically has 89 poles, but there is only 1 universe, so the number of poles doesnt matter.  the universe is constant.  everything within it is constantly changing, but the sum of all of it is the same.  the Almighty force pulls on all 11 dimensions.  it maintains order in all things.  this is the true God.  many people have preached about this: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.  although they knew the ways of God, the people they preached to didnt get it.  they couldnt get it.  they took their messages and created religions from them, and because they had an imperfect understanding of that message, the religion was imperfect and exists on level 10.  the Almighty has a consciousness similar to our own, but infinitely more complex.  in fact, it is similar to everything below it, but it is much, much more.

08:07 am - meijer's bullshit

ive been working at meijer for about 4 months now and ive been on 3rds since about 2 weeks after i started.  i see the same people everyday and just now im getting to know some of them.  i like working with sabrina and charla, the 2 most recent employees in service.  since i started, ive worked with rita and crystal.  crystal is alright.  she doesnt talk to me much though, but that is beside the point.  getting to the point...  i like to think that i have a good work ethic.  regardless of a person's work ethic, anyone can do my job.  on 3rd shift, we have several chores that we have to do.  i was working with charla last night and we were talking about the people we work with.  she said she didnt like rita because she's "two-faced," which is not the first time ive heard that about her.  now, i dont really have a problem with rita.  i try to accept people regardless of the way they act, because its the decent thing to do.  what really pisses me off is the huge amount of talking that goes on behind people's backs.  last night, charla filled me in on what rita said about me.  keep in mind, that rita has never once said anything to me about this.  on charla's first night, rita was training her and telling her about the chores and whatnot.  she said (in a reportedly sour tone), "we have all these chores that we have to do each night.  brad and sabrina dont like to, and make it a point not to."  what the fuck?  this was about 3 weeks ago.  it seems to me that if an employee is habitually not doing his job, hed get fired or at least have a manger chew him out.  and yet, nothing.  ill admit that when i first started, i didnt know what to do, so i didnt do much.  but since probably my third week, ive been a model fucking employee.  i do more than rita does.  meanwhile, dan, who literally doesnt do shit, was not mentioned, and crystal, who is clearly rita's favorite, goes without mention, even though shes just as lazy as me (she reads probably 4 whole magazines per night).  i just dont understand people.  when rita isnt there, im the service coordinator, and apparently i dont do shit.  its amazing the place hasnt burned down or something.  everyone there has expectations of everyone else, and i know what is expected of me (in terms of what the job description is), but i could do everything by myself (which happens a lot) and i still wouldnt meet her expectations.  fuck that.  i would quit, but i hate looking for work.  i really should quit.  pretty much any job will pay me better than meijer, and i need money.  so thats what ive been thinking about a lot of the night.  maybe next time i work with her ill show her what its really like when i dont do anything.  thatll teach her...

09:03 am

08:00 am - the new 23rd Psalm

my dad sent me this and i thought it was clever. i know knocking on W has become almost a cliché these days, but fuck it, ill do it anyway.

The 23rd Qualm (as written by a retired Methodist minister)
Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war, I will find
no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of
thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.

Current Mood: vicariously clever

08:19 am - happy birthday to me...

todays my birthday. 23 years ago i was born. another year older, another year closer to my inevitable death, but that doesnt bother me. at any moment, my existence could be snuffed out. ive come to an understanding about death. we all will die in our own time, and everyone will say we died too soon, whether we're 25 or 95. life is fleeting and could end at any time, so we must live well while we still can. otherwise we will be lost to eternity.

you may have noticed a rather dark tone so far. well i just found out last night that garth eppley died in a plane crash. you probably saw something about it on the news. i didnt, but im up all hours of the night, so im different. garth was a good guy. i didnt know him as well as i shouldve, and i regret that. that makes 2 (i think. im tired, so i might be wrong) people i knew in high school thatve died already. ive said it before, but life is too short to just fuck around all the time. when will i heed my own advice?

anyway, its my birthday, so i dont want to dwell on such matters. ill dwell on it tomorrow.

08:26 am - happy easter

so its easter. i hadnt thought about it much before a few days ago. i knew what day it was and all, but it has been out of mind, although not entirely. ive been on a religious binge lately. ive thought a lot about Jesus and his message lately, and i cant help but wonder why the early church would edit it as much as it did. something that i find really interesting and confusing is why we celebrate Jesus' death in the spring and his birth in winter. there is evidence that Jesus was born in the spring, and im willing to bet he was born between the 20th and 22nd of april. i dont have any direct proof or anything, but many enigmatic figures (either good or bad) were born within that span. hitler on 20 april. lenin on 22 april. napoleon and 21 april. coincidentally, i too was born in this span (22 april). i think it has something to do with being on the cusp of taurus and aries. theres just something about that period in the zodiak that we cant fully explain. i was gonna figure out when exactly he wouldve been executed, but ive not had enough sleep to find and figure out when passover wouldve been, but it was in spring, probably in that same span of days.

07:36 am - bloody weather...

so yesterday was fun. i woke up early (around 8pm) because the tornado sirens were going off. fun shit. so then i go downstairs and every channel had shit on about the weather. so i watched that for about 2 and a half hours before going to work. it was amazing. there were 2 small, compacted storm cells that were moving across this part of the state. the first one was heading right toward lafayette, and, as it approached, it grew and split into 2 cells, one of which missed us to the north, the other to the south. then after passing lafayette, those 2 merged once more and went through downtown indianapolis. another much larger cell came down from rensallier, followed I-65, and missed lafayette by only a few miles. these storms had god knows how many tornadoes within them and baseball sized hail (yes, baseball, not golfball), and lafayette was completely spared. it was amazing to watch. it was certainly not your typical spring storm. these cells looked more like mini-hurricanes than a polar front storm (the big violent storms we usually get in spring). they were incredibly tight (no more than 15 miles across, and almost round) and violent storms. its gonna be a crazy storm season, and we are the cause of it. its earth getting back at us for dumping so much shit where it shouldnt be (like anywhere). oh well. sit back and enjoy the show.

07:59 am - Achtung!

yesterday morning i watched this movie "Downfall." i suggest that you all watch it. its about hitler's last days and all the shit that was going on at that time. theres lots of death and suicide in it, so if youre meek, maybe you could look away or something.

this movie got me thinking about people and why they do what they do. hitler was no different from any of the rest of us, despite his misguided final solution. on a human level, he is just like us. he did what he felt he had to do in order to make a more perfect society. DO NOT GET ME WRONG, HIS perfect society is not THE perfect society. in fact, i think that his outlook on the Jews was a direct result of the actions of the church in the first few centuries AD. the first gospels that were written were not antisemitic, but with each newly written gospel, the message becomes increasingly so. Judas did not even appear in the gospel of Mark (the 1st one). there were just a couple lines in matthew referring to him. then in luke and john (the last 2 canonical gospels to be written), Judas is portrayed as the ultimate villain. more than that though, the church associated Judas with the Jews, stereotyping all Jews as Christ-killers who are motivated only by money. this, of course, is not the truth, but the church made it their "truth." in fact, im not all that convinced that Judas did anything wrong. the foundation on which the Christian church is based is that Christ died for us. how can we call ourselves Christians and not acknowledge the fact that Christ had to die. if he hadnt died in the way he did, then our religion would not exist. read the gospel of Judas. it will change your faith. i think that Christianity, as it is practiced today, is fundamentally flawed, and i think it has been since it was consolidated into one church in the time of Constantine. today, our faith is based on Jesus' death. people die all the time, but those deaths make no difference to the world at-large. instead of focusing on his death, we should focus on his message, which is no longer completely intact (thank you St. Augustus). there were about 30 gospels, 4 of which were left in the Bible. (by the way, the reasoning for only having 4: "there are only 4 elements {earth, wind, fire, water}, 4 points on the compass, and 4 winds, so there are only 4 real gospels") all the others were deemed heresy and most copies were destroyed. i think the impetus behind the failing of the church was giving it a structure. in the early days, Christians were like true communists. they gave all they had to their community and lived and worked together. Constantine wanted a single church, and because of that, the church took on the form of the Roman Empire. the people of the time were not ready, nor were they capable of living in such a communal way, and the church suffered because of it. what Constantine did not understand is that religion is a personal journey to be taken at the individual's personal pace. by structuring it, you destroy it.

08:22 am

i was going through my friends' friends lists looking for people i know (if you recently got added, now you know why. oh and welcome and comment often). anyway, i found this quiz thing about the way people think, so i did it. heres my results. no surprises here. i think i should be offended by number 3.

Your brain: 60% interpersonal, 60% visual, 80% verbal, and 200% mathematical!

Congratulations on being 400% smart! Actually, on my test, everyone is. The above score breaks down what kind of thinking you most enjoy doing. A score above 100% means you use that kind of thinking more than average, and a score below 100% means you use it less. It says nothing about how good you are at any one, just how interested you are in each, relatively. A substantial difference in scores between two people means, conclusively, that they are different kinds of thinkers. Matching Summary: Each of us has different tastes. Still, I offer the following advice, which I think is obvious: Don't date someone if your interpersonal percentages differ by more than 80%. Don't be friends with someone if your verbal percentages differ by more than 100%. Don't have sex with someone if their math percentage is over 200%.

12:56 pm - oh cant you see, you belong to me, da da da da da, every step you take

so, as always, i was at meijer all night. tonight was not really any different than any other night, except i talked more. however, having said that, i must now retract it (and ill leave it to you to figure out why i didnt just go back and erase the original statement instead of writing more). from about 4:30 to 6, there was this guy just hanging out up front. the first time i saw him he went through the u-scan, had some trouble, and this girl crystal, with whom i work, went over to help out. i dont know what happened next, but she went and hid in the office when he wasnt looking. a few minutes later, my phone rang and it was crystal asking if that guy was gone yet. i looked and didnt see him, and told her that. after i hung up, he walked in again. crystal was still hiding. so he just sorta hung out up by the registers. once he asked me to page her, saying he had something to give her, and, judging from the tone of crystal's voice, she didnt want to be around him, so i didnt page her. so then he went away, to where i dont know. about 20 minutes later, crystal was taking the trash back to the compactor in the back of the store, and when she came back, he was following about 40 feet behind her. i dont know where he came from. then she went back and hid in the office again, before which, she told me and some other cashiers that if he asks where she went, dont tell him. so we had a stalker in meijer today. for all i know, hes still in there looking for crystal. i hope he doesnt come back. it was definitely weird in there for a while.

and i know you know what the subject line is from. its the best damn stalker song ever (and, coincidentally, the only one that i know of). i obviously dont remember all the words, so sue me.

09:48 am - I'm in the hi-fidelity first class traveling set, and i think i need a Lear jet.

i got paid today. i bought a rubix cube.

Current Mood: accomplished